I was sick of LA. I was sick of the same things. It felt like work and die. I just can't live like that. I felt like I was losing my mind. I was sick of waiting for the one to spend my travels with. He never came, so I left. I booked a 1 way to Thailand. I'm here laying in bed listening to the rain fall on the roof of my hut in the countryside. It's as peaceful as can be here. But my mind is still racing. I'm trying to find peace, but I keep finding more questions for myself. I'm on a search for purpose. I used to think loving a man was my purpose, I was always told I would marry a good man and that was my job. Well that didn't happen, so now I'm just confused. What is man's role? Do I need man anymore? Do I need anyone? All my dreams r coming true alone but I feel like I'm doing something wrong or selfish because I am doing this without someone I love. I used to do everything for love. And now I just said fuck it, I can't wait for someone, what if I fucking die tomorrow. I want life now. I'm sick of waiting to live. What if u meet the one and he hates travel and never wants to go anywhere. What if man is an anchor and this is how I was meant to be all along free. What if I already have love, it just isn't from one person but thousands of people and I can't see it? I just miss making someone happy, maybe I do make people happy? I want to see your smiles though, I miss that. It's only been a day or so but yeah I guess I have much to think about in redefining happiness and purpose. It seems selfish to me but maybe that's what I need to learn, to be selfish. And stop giving myself and love away. Give myself to me, even if I don't want to. All of my success I achieved was to find him, I never wanted it, but it just drove the men I loved away. Maybe I just want to give because I was taught that is how u receive love. But that isn't right. And I should be more like man. Strong, independent, and need no one. Why was love so much easier to find when I was young and broke, is that the girl that is appealing to u.. weak. Should I be weak again so men can pretend to be strong... Tbh I liked it that way. When I used to look up to u... Now you're just human like me.